“Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all." 

Yes, there is another path to ending your relationship, one filled with kindness, respect and integrity. Imagine how different it would feel if you could shift from seeing the ending of a relationship as a personal failure to one of opportunity and growth. Instead of feeling down or beating yourself up, you’ll be introduced to the strongest, wisest, and most courageous parts of yourself. It only takes one person in the relationship to uncouple in a healthy way.  Even if your partner is behaving like a monster, you do not have to behave in kind.  In fact, kindness and integrity are contagious!  Your ability to keep your attention on yourself will pave the way to allowing love  back in your life.

From happily ever after, to happily even after . . . is possible.

Conscious uncoupling was a term made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow and no matter what you think of her, the idea is you can move through the ending of a relationship with honor and reverence for the time and love shared together.  It’s a choice in the midst of all the pain, to allow integrity to supersede emotions. Instead of blowing things up, consciously uncoupling offers a five-step roadmap to end a relationship with minimal damage.  Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of the New York Times bestseller Conscious Uncoupling, uses a five step process; finding emotional freedom, reclaiming your power and your life, breaking the patterns and healing your heart, becoming a love alchemist, and creating your happily even after life.  You’ll learn to lower reactivity, let go of the victim, uncover your role so that you can change the patterns, and practice more effective communication tools that create more balance in all of your relationships.

A poorly navigated loss leads to a poorly healed heart.

Think you can beat the odds and just get past this relationship so you can find a fresh start with someone new?  Guess again.  Your next relationship does not begin when you meet that someone new, but with how you bring closure and heal from the one that’s ending.  Buried baggage and an unhealed heart won’t just fade away.  It lies in wait for your next unsuspecting partner.  Equally destructive, it leaks out in self -sabotaging your relationship with self.  We can’t love another any more than we can love ourselves.

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. But we can.

The best way to get over a broken heart is to use the fierce pain as a catalyst to propel you to be the best version of you and turn your wounds to wisdom.  There is a new and beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this heartbreak!

“If we are willing to walk fearlessly into the crucible of a painful ending, we will find gifts waiting for us there that we never could have seen had we continued clinging to the safety of the familiar”. Craig Hamilton

Action Steps

Set the intention to bring closure in a way that helps both of you thrive, when you get to the other side of the hurt.  Recall the expanded feeling of being deeply loved by someone who found their way into the chambers of our heart.  Honor the reverence for the shared experience for glimpsing into each other’s souls.

Write a letter to this person.  When finished, read it out loud.  You may choose to tear it up, burn it, or send it.

1. Acknowledge what this person meant to you.

2. Appreciate all of the many lessons gifts this person has brought into your life.

3. Make a sincere attempt to offer amends for your part.

4.Make a commitment to integrate the wisdom and to change the patterns in future relationships.

5. Identify one need the relationship met, and choose how to meet this need now.

Watch for my upcoming challenge on how to end your relationships in a more honoring way.

If you’re curious about turning the ending of a relationship into a catalyst of unprecedented positive change, then this is for you. I’ll guide you through Conscious Uncoupling’s five-step process, but with a twist!  You’ll have the tools to leave a relationship healthy and whole, rather than walled off and wounded. You’ll restore trust in your own inner compass again, you know- fill your own cup!

Stay tuned!

Yes, it’s hard to imagine, but forgiving your ex is the key to creating everything you want in your life. It was for me. Even after he left me in what felt like the cruelest way.  And even though my story isn’t unusual – affairs happen, right?  In one instant, the life I loved was over.  My safety and security was gone in a flash. Now I’m sure many of you can relate to how I felt - the betrayal so deep, the pain so raw.  The one person you trusted and believed had your back, no matter what.  The one you confided your deepest self to, rejected you and moved on.   

I was hell bent on being a victim.

I spent countless hours blaming him, judging myself for what I did wrong, and hoping he’d come back.  But none of that helped.  It kept me stuck in pain.  I felt truly like I was the victim of the worst act possible. The truth is, we all experience being victimized at some point.  The real question is; are you going to be defined as a victim and wear it as a badge of honor?  Or, will you accept the event exactly as it is, make peace with it, and move into creating a life on your terms?   For me, there countless opportunities to practice choosing peace and to let it all go. The most challenging part was letting go of all the things I thought were my happily ever after – the house, my car, the security, our beautiful family.

As hard as it was for me to accept - forgiveness was the only way to free myself from the past. 

Let me tell you forgiveness is an act of courage. It’s hard, but it is the only way out is through the pain.  When you forgive, you free yourself from the weight and preoccupation of the past. It’s a process that takes time. It starts with a willingness to be free from the past.  And, unless you have the desire to let it all go – your efforts will fall short.  It’s a choice to have faith override the fear.  

I forgave my ex by writing many letters, than ceremoniously burning then and letting it all go.  I’d picture him as a small child and connect with the pain and fear that would cause him to act in such a way.  While hiking in the woods, I would lay a pine cone around a particular tree for each prayer of forgiveness I’d send to him. This gave me a visual reminder on the days it was all a struggle to see the progress.

In the process of forgiving him, the unexpected gift was that I also forgave myself.   

Forgiving my ex allowed me to see the vulnerable, scared parts of him instead of seeing him as a dismissive betraying monster. Forgiveness frees you to see the other side and, in turn, begin to see small miracles. Like when driving past your favorite restaurant as a couple, your heart no longer races and you don’t feel queasy.  Or, you get a glimmer of someone who looks like your ex, and you no longer have that panicked feeling that lingers for hours.

When you forgive, you'll begin to find the wisdom and the gifts of your painful experiences. 

Forgiveness can give you the ability to grapple with what the situation or event is there to show you. Whether you need to let go of control, or surrender or release expectations, forgiveness has the power to help you see that the only thing that you can control . . . is your own reaction. Forgiving your ex helps you begin again – your life will start to flow with ease. You’ll let go of the image of how life was supposed to be and surrender to it exactly as it is.  The past will no longer wound or control you. Imagine being able to take responsibility for yourself and make empowering choices.  Feel more present and grounded. 

The ability to have what you want in life is in direct proportion to your ability to forgive.

It requires breaking down the walls we construct to protect ourselves.  In reality, walls like righteousness imprison us and shut down our heart’s ability to give and receive love fully. In the end – it’s a gift we give ourselves so we can reclaim, love, and open our hearts with a clear mind.  It’s the opportunity so many of us are looking for, but don’t realize exists if only we can begin to let go and live the new life of our dreams.

ACTION STEPS:

1.     Close your eyes and identify one person you’re feeling angry at.  Take some slow, deep breaths.  Envision yourself completely forgiving this person.  Imagine yourself free from the chains of the past, free from the weight of negative judgments of the past.  Allow yourself to feel yourself free from the old hurts, blame, guilt and shame.

2.     Visualize cutting away the invisible chains that bind you and weigh you down.  See them fall away easily and effortlessly.  Continue to breath deeply, then slowly open your eyes.

3.     Journal how your life would be different if you could let it all go and forgive.  Would you sleep more restfully?  Would your mood shift without old residue influencing your thoughts and moods?  Would your internal dialogue shift?  How would your other relationships shift?

Like so many of you, I grew up with the message that to fit in, you should ignore your own needs, put others first, and follow along. 

What they forgot was that when you put others first, you give your power away.

In childhood, I quickly learned that if you did something special – if you were cute, got good grades – you earned the approval of others.  I learned that I had to give up my own needs, or stay silent, in order to fit in.  This pattern slowly turned into a habit, then a way of life. I believed that it was more important to have the approval of others than care about my own needs. And, in a flash, all I knew was how to respond to the voices of guilt and “should be” dictating my every move.

View fullsize

As an adult, I’ve sold myself out countless times. 

I went from modeling the obedient “good girl” who didn’t’ make waves as a child and mastered the art of the perfect wife, mother and friend as an adult. I quickly learned to read people and fulfill their needs in order to gain approval and love.  When I was really on, I could anticipate my ex’s needs before he knew he had them! I was Superwoman and Miss Perfect. And I loved it!

But there was a cost – a big one. It was my integrity, strength, and my connection to my inner compass. I was an empty shell on autopilot performing to meet other’s needs and expectations. The result was resentment, neediness and I became a victim!

My ah-ha moment came when the man I felt I gave my everything to, left me.

I realized it didn’t matter how perfect, how many of his needs I anticipated, how many people I took care of, how much I gave of myself, it would never be enough. AND I CREATED IT. I sold myself short and put everyone before me under the guise that I was strong and could take care of myself.  Simply put, I had to take responsibility and own my fear. 

People pleasing is a strategy to feel safe and worthy in your own skin.

The problem is it doesn’t really work.  Even if it was a way to stay under the radar as a child, as an adult it plays out by not having enough confidence to go after what you want, or maybe not even being able to admit to yourself what you truly desire.  You focus on fitting in and forsake yourself out of fear of rejection.  How many times have you said “yes” when you really meant “no”?

The root cause of people pleasing is fear. The antidote is courage.

It wasn’t until I saw People Pleasing for the sap sucker that it was, that I realized I had to find the courage to put me first and learn to say now. And although it wasn’t easy, it slowly developed and strengthened, one choice at a time. Instead of settling for crumbs, I stopped chasing the approval of others. Instead of waiting on others and always saying yes, letting go of your people pleaser means you become the biggest, brightest most empowered version of yourself, without apology! When you take responsibility for your life, and allow others to do the same, life opens up.  When you step into courage, learn to say no when appropriate, and let go of the need to earn other’s approval by people pleasing, you’ll step into creating healthy vibrant relationships and fill your own cup of happiness.

ACTION STEPS:

• Review your choices each day for one week. 
• How many times did you chose people pleasing over what your truly desire?
• How many times did you say yes, when you really wanted to say no?
• What boundary did you allow someone to cross?
• How did it feel?
• With each example, write out if you had it to do over, how you might have handled it differently.
• Consider a mantra to remind you to release your people pleaser. Make it a phrase or a word you can repeat to yourself to remind you in difficult times to put you first!

Ready to learn more? Let's tackle that people pleaser together. Click Here to Schedule a Complimentary Session with me!